


App-solutely Hopeless

by Scarlet_Camellia



Category: Original Work
Genre: Awkwardness, Damien really is too old for this, Eventual Romance, F/M, Gen, How Do I Tag, Jake is insane, Male Protagonist, Online Dating, Please Send Help, Romantic Comedy, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 18:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15712950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlet_Camellia/pseuds/Scarlet_Camellia
Summary: I'm notdesperate, ok? I've just been around for a very long time and it's getting harder to meet people! I've heard apps are how all the humans and baby bats meet up these days- no really! Come on, it's notsad! I'm fine! I'm fantastic! I'm...ok fine I'm lonely. Happy?from a writing prompt I found on Reddit[WP] A modern vampire, you are on all the dating apps to meet new people. You keep getting catfished by the Van Helsings, but all you really want is a break from eternal loneliness.





	App-solutely Hopeless

“Not again…” I sigh as the woman in front of me begins a rant about how it’s her duty to protect the world from my kind. “Look I really don’t think you understand! I’m not-“ she cuts me off again and pulls out a short knife. Squeezing the handle in a tight fist she stands from the red velvet chair and stalks like a predator around the old oak table of the too-fancy restaurant. “Where’d you even hide that thing?” I mumble, eyes scanning her tight red bodycon dress in complete amazement that she could breathe in that thing- let alone hide a weapon on her.

“That’s none of your business, you _monster_.” She snarled as she stepped closer, weapon raised to stab at me. 

“Ouch, that’s unnecessary. I only asked you a question. I thought we were having a nice time until you went all bat-shit crazy. Heh. Get it?”  
She didn’t appreciate my humor. She slashed at me with surprising speed for a human and I grab the mostly untouched bottle of wine from the table and a couple of rolls and run so fast most people would only think a breeze had gone by them.

~

Flopping on my couch and nibbling on the soft buttery bread I sigh. _I’m so tired of this._ I think to myself, staring at the walls lined with bookshelves filled to bursting with 850 years’ worth of literature in 7 different languages- 2 of which have vanished from human memory. _Every damn time._ I roll my eyes and drink deeply from the bottle of wine. “Ah shit- it’s actually good wine…” 

I give myself an hour of sulking before I roll off the couch and retrieve my phone from where I’d thrown it- on the table in the kitchen next to a stack of self-help dating books. My eyes glance over the books with an unhealthy amount of self-pity settling into my chest. Pushing the thought from my mind, I snatch up my phone and check my messages. “Ah shit Jake messaged me.”

Jacob “Jake” Harrison had been my best friend for the last 453 years or so. He’s a nice guy, and a pretty strong vampire, but when it comes to women he’s seriously over skilled. Jake can glance at a girl and she’ll fall in love with him.  
Sometimes I really hate Jacob Harrison.

I take a deep breath and open the message to see what Jake has to say this time.  
_Please tell me it went well_  
_Hello?_  
_Dear god it was another Hunter, wasn’t it?_  
_Did she kill you?_  
_Damien!_  
_Don’t make me find a necromancer, istg I will bring you back just so I can kill you myself._  
I choke on a laugh and shake my head, hitting speed dial 2 and calling my idiotic best friend before he really does find a necromancer. 

_DAMIEN!_ He screams so loud I have to pull my phone a foot away to protect my ears. I thought you died!

“Sorry to disappoint you, Jake.” I chuckle. “Can’t kill me that easy- you of all people should know that.”

_It was ONE time!_ He shouts back at me. 

So the thing about Jake being my best friend is that we met because he thought I was a Hunter and he stabbed me in the stomach. Twice. After he realized he didn’t kill me and I healed up, we shared a drink and had a laugh and we’ve been buddies ever since. 

_Yeah, but it’s not like I knew you were a vamp at the time!_

“True. Either way I’m getting stabbed at, let’s be honest. You thought I was human, they know I’m not. Either way I stuck her with the bill this time.” I smirk, kind of proud of myself. 

_Oh so you finally learned after, what, 4k in dinners that you shouldn’t pay for people that want to kill you?_ The sass in his voice was not missed on me. I laugh and roll my eyes as Jake goes on to rant for another 15 minutes about how I’m ‘too nice’ and give too many people chances. _I get it, I really do…_ he says softly, tone settling into something much more serious than he usually uses. _I know you want to be loved, Damien but…_

“Jake- do me a favor this one time- just shut up.” 

~

“Just go to one vampire date night!” Jake yells as he shoves a latte in my hand with a big grin. “They’re pretty fun!” 

“No way. That’s so awkward. That’s for baby bats who can’t cope with being vamps and want comfort in the wrong ways.” I sneer, sipping from the latte and sighing at the warm caramel taste. 

“It’s not just baby bats…it’s just…mostly baby bats.” His voice drifts as he takes a sip of nitro coldbrew. “Yeah you’re right. We’ve been around too long to go to those kinds of things. Damn, when did we get so old?” 

“Don’t even talk to me about being old, Jake.” I glare at him, reaching over and flicking him in the forehead as we sit down in plush chairs. “I’m more than 300 years older than you. You’re still a baby bat to me. I remember when you really were a baby bat.”

Jake blushed and choked on his coffee, gasping out “Shut up, old man.” in between coughs. 

“Well, well, if it isn’t Jake and Damien. Good to see you, boys.” A sultry voice purred from behind me, the tap of high heels approaching us. 

“Evening, Elizabeth.” I say with a slight nod of my head, kicking a leg out to push the chair next to Jake out for the woman to sit down. 

“Nice to see you again, Liz. How are you? How’s Ja-“

“Don’t even mention that asshole’s name in front of me.” She snapped, slamming her cup onto the table as she slumped unceremoniously into the chair. “Guess who I caught cheating last week?”

“No way…”  
“What the fuck?” both mine and Jake’s jaws dropped at the same time, our eyes widened as we stared at the woman. 

“Oh, I can make it worse.” Elizabeth picked up her bag and dumped the contents onto the table in between us, letters and photos spilled out. For the first time ever, I saw Jacob completely speechless as he stared at it all. 

“She’s a baby bat.” I mumble, taking up a couple photos and studying them. “Oh no…”

“What?” Jake finally asked, shaking his head as if to clear it. 

“She’s a baby bat that he turned.” Liz growled, kicking the table away and pinching the bridge of her nose. “321 years of marriage, for this. I caught them last week and found this when I was clearing his shit out of my house today.” 

Jake looked at Liz with pity and turned to me with a mischievous grin. “H-hey since you’re single…you know Damien is looking for-“

“Jacob Harrison I will gut you where you sit, do not finish that.” I snap, cutting the boy a cold glare. “I’m fine.”

“I’m not looking for another man. Men are garbage.” Liz sighed, picking up a photo and glaring at it until it burst into flame. “I’m going back to women. I’ve had better luck with them anyway.” 

Jake snorted on a laugh. “Hey maybe you can teach Damien about women then! OW!” he cried as I kicked him under the table. 

“I’m fine.” I state again. 

~

“Left. Left. No. No. What the fuck? No! No. Left. Oh…” I read another profile and I like the girl’s smile well enough. “Right on you.” 

“You’re not…oh my god you are. Dear god he’s on Tinder.” Jake sounds horrified as he looks over my shoulder. “This is why you end up on dates with Hunters, you moron.” 

“Shut up. It’s easier than meeting people outside.” 

“How are you so old but you sound like modern humans?” Jake teases me, snatching the phone from my hand and swiping right on a ton of profiles. “Just say ‘yes’ to all of them and then only talk to the ones you match with that you like! You’re so stupid!” 

“But if I match with someone I don’t like I’ll feel bad.” I mumble quietly, taking the phone from his grasp and staring horrified at all the new matches in my inbox. “See? Look at what you did! Now I have to talk to- oh no one of them just messaged me.” I closed the app and threw my phone across the room. “Whelp looks like I have to delete that app, you ruined it.” 

“You’re a big baby, you know that?” Jake criticized me, looking at his watch and realizing how late it is. “Damn, I gotta run. I have another date with Jaz tonight and she’ll choke me if I’m late…not that I’d complain.” He says with a wiggle of his eyebrows as he runs out the door and leaves me to stare at my phone resting sadly on the floor. 

~

“Nope, no way.” I mutter to myself as I stare at the black screen, thumb hovering over the unlock button. “I’m just going to uninstall the app and find another one. I’m not doing this. I won’t let Jacob be right.” I unlock the phone and half scream as another notification comes from the app. A really beautiful woman’s picture sat next to an innocent ‘hi, it’s nice to meet you’. I thought for a moment that maybe it wouldn’t be too bad if I kept the app, but instead I dropped the phone on the couch and went to bed. “Not today.” I mutter to myself while kicking out of my clothes and rolling onto my bed in socks and boxers. 

After a while I realize I always wear socks to bed but in the middle of the night I kick them off. “Why do I wear them?” I ask myself, wiggling my toes in the fabric. “Well Damien, it’s simple.” I say to myself as if speaking to another person. “You’re sad and lonely and want comfort and affection but you’re terrible with women so the closest thing you can get to a hug is socks on your feet when you sleep.” I stop and stare at the empty bed to my left, considering the things I’ve just said to myself and feeling rather upset that I’d hurt my feelings like that. “I’m too damn old to be this damn childish.” I say with a pout, dropping onto the bed with a plop and sighing. “I feel like a sad teenager.” I mumble to myself, somewhat muffled by the blankets. “I look like a sad teenager too. Dear god…did I age backwards??” 

I fall asleep before I can think about it too much more.


End file.
